13 weeks and baby buys :)

that's his face profile and little hand waving :)

Today we went for our 13 week scan it it was great. Baby is doing great, measuring a few days ahead (last time he was a few days behind so this reassured me) and it was awesome to see him moving about. Him? Oh yes, it looks like were having a little...

BOY!!! 

I wasn't expecting that we would be able to find out until 20 weeks but before I even asked Benny and I had both seen what we were pretty sure were boy bits and the ultrasound technician said it's too early to say for sure but it looks like a little boy. We are so excited, I feel like after seeing bub AND finding out that he is most likely a boy we have had a pretty wonderful day of getting to know our little guy. Ill feel a bit bad if 'he' turns out to be 'she' but for now were calling 'him' our baby boy lol. Time to get out all the cute little stripey onesies, overalls and beach themed boy clothes i've been putting away all these years!

In the past few weeks work has slowed down with kids either starting kindy or moving away. I'm embracing the slower pace, I've cut back to 3 days with 2-3 kids per day and plan to stick with this for the next 5ish months until I start maternity leave as my tiredness seems to be sticking around and it's enough money for baby buys, if you shop mostly second hand like me they are much cheaper than fertility treatments!
Only 2 of the children nap which has meant I could put away some beds in the sleep room and start getting baby furniture! I found this cute dresser localy second hand for a great price. My dad who loves wood work is impressed with it, apparently its Australian oak which he tells me is a really good wood and is well made. I'd think it was lovely either way but it's always nice to know you got a good buy.

 Does anyone remember this little peter rabbit quilt? I blogged when I made around 5 years ago so if you do you're doing well. Its exciting to think i'll soon be able to embroider a name on it and put it over my very own sleeping babe. I also love this little knit peter rabbit blanket that I got for a few dollars second hand.

 I was planning on mostly doing prefold nappies for newborn size seems they aren't in them long but I got a fab bargain on my favourite cloth nappies in newborn size (I use the bigger sizes of these for my day care) they usually cost $25 each and I got them on clearance for $10 each! They are all this 'ladybird garden' print which is probably a bit girly but as it was only this or ballerinas on clearance I figured this would be fine. It's my favourite print anyway, I hadn't intended on getting so much of it if we had a boy but $100 for 10 of my fav nappies. Couldn't have said no if I tried! So now we have some easy nappies for Benny who isn't used to cloth nappies. Or nappies of any kind for that matter

Benny chose out this cute ducky bouncer while I was looking at other things and when I walked over it was my favorite too. It's about the softest thing iv'e ever touched

 here's last weeks belly shot. My baby brain moment from that day- sitting in my hot lounge room I decided it was nice weather to go to the beach for a swim. got ready, drove down, got out of car. It was COLD! and windy. Thinking to myself, oh that's right it was cold outside earlier and our lounge room is always hotter than out side in the arvo because of the way the sun comes through the front window at that time of the day. Oh the many silly moments like this i've been having!

11 weeks

As of yesterday i'm 11weeks which seems like a pretty big exciting number (although I'm pretty sure I think that to myself every week) 

I finally thought to take a belly shot. I'm definitely getting a bit chunkier around the middle and i'm looking forward to looking pregnant rather than just chubby. I'm feeling like i'm eating sooo much so i'm trying to stick to eating healthy which is going quite well. Unless there is chocolate custard or chocolate milk around then not so much. I'm making cacao banana almond milk smooties and hot chocolate (1 tsp cacao, 2tsp sugar, half hot water, half milk) to have a healthier version to satisfy my cravings. Both of these are really good and help me keep the high sugar, high fat shop bought ones to a not too regular treat.

I've still not had any morning sickness, in fact i've hardly had any nausea. For a few weeks I was tired constantly and napping for a few hours each day but i'm starting to get past that. I'm still quite tired but finding it hard to get to sleep so I usually just lay down for a little bit in the arvo and still feel tired but eventually have a 'second wind' and feel better. I'm finding a walk in the arvo is helping me feel better and more energetic.

I got my doppler but I'm not entirely sure if i've found bubs heart beat yet. A few times I've had a number high enough for a second and then it was gone. Today when I tried I'm almost certain I found it and it lasted a good 10 seconds and then was gone and I couldn't find it again (apparently this happens as the bub is so little and moves 'out of range'). It tends to be in the same spot so I think it is but time will tell. Hopefully now that I'm pretty sure I found it for a decent amount of time it will start getting easier to find. 

Although I was hoping it would be a more definite 'yep that was definitely a healthy baby' i'm still glad I got it, it's fun and exciting getting the 'ooh I think that was it' too. 

I'm actually feeling a lot less fear about loosing the baby since last week, I think writing down my fears really helped me feel better which is good.

 This week was unseasonably cold which was sooooo nice! We had rainy days, I had warm cups of tea and it was easy to day dream of my little August baby coming into this world, and being rugged up on the couch cozy together. My aunty Levin inspired me to get out some knitting. I started by getting out a ridiculous amount of not quite finished pieces and finishing some of them off. What great instant gratification it is all of a sudden having lots of finished things from the tiny bit of effort it took to seam and weave in ends

I also knitted the star dolly, a perfect first friend for our little one. 

I'm sure i've mentioned it before but knitting is so good for me, It helps me enjoy my job so much more. Looking after kids can be a bit boring if you don't have something to do to keep your hands buisy while they play. It makes the world of difference to have my own fun activity to do while they do theirs and I think they can feel my contentment, the days go so smoothly

10 weeks pregnant

In the years I dreamed of being pregnant I imagined that when I finally was I would take weekly belly shots, right down every symptom and experience and feel a sense of constant bliss, contentment, relief that I had finally made it, that finally there was a date on when I would meet my baby.

Reality is quite different and while i'm excited I also have way more fear than I expected. Not that i'm sitting around worrying regularly, it's more a fear that's small but constant. I usually feel calm and excited but there is still the 'what if' that stops me from relaxing too much or getting too excited . I feel a lot better than before the first scan. I know that the odds are really good for me to have a healthy baby but I guess it's more that I never can know for sure, that makes me feel like I can't truly be excited like i'd like to be. I'm sure as I get further along, even just past 12 weeks it will start feeling more and more certain that I really will have a baby but at the moment, although I have a connection to the the beautiful little bean that I know is there and I have a collection of little clothes that are far too big to fit that tiny little bean it still surprises me and I feel uncertain to think that this bean will grow into those clothes and be a real baby. I feel like i'm constantly thinking 'hopefully' and 'probably' and i'm hoping it's not too much longer until I start believing that our bean will make it. I know it's not going to be definite until i'm holding our healthy baby but I just wish I could be blissfully unaware of all the things that there is a small chance of going wrong so that I could fully enjoy this and just deal with what happens if it happens. 

I had my first OB appointment on Wednesday and it was bulk billed (free) which I wasn't expecting. I'd been planning to buy or hire a heart beat doppler to ease my worrying but as I haven't got most of my pays in since before Christmas moneys been focused on necessities (parents need to sign them and a few of the children were sick so didn't come the last few days so i'll get them but just very late!) I decided that seems I wasn't expecting to have that extra money to use it for a doppler and as soon as I ordered it I felt relieved. To be honest our first scan wasn't really as lovely as I expected. Friends asked if we teared up and got emotional. No. I was so scared and prepared for bad news that I was well out of the room before it sunk in that there was a healthy baby with a heart beat on the screen. For a few days I felt reassured that all was fine and then I went back to worrying that the little heart could have stopped beating and I wouldn't know for weeks until the next scan. I feel really excited that I will be able to check regularly to reassure myself that all is fine. If something is going to go wrong I can't change it but at least this way if all is fine I will know that and be able to relax more and enjoy the pregnancy more knowing that I have more recent confirmation that our baby is still ok. I feel a bit silly and paranoid to be quite as worried as I am but I guess that's probably just what happens when you spend so many years wondering if you will ever be able to have a baby, it just takes a long time to sink in and feel real. It's so hard to believe that I don't think I truly do yet

In more positive news, I've been enjoying pregnancy yoga and meditations on you tube