i love cooking

broad beans and cabbage from my garden, tomatoes, plus

whatever veggies are in the fridge and some wholemeal pasta equals

my favourite throw together veggie pasta

freeing my mind

after writing yesterdays post i feel so much lighter and at peace with myself

thankyou very much for such lovely comments. its funny that i often hold things to myself for fear of being judged or wrong but generally im the one judging myself the most harshly. the rest of the world is much more kind and forgiving.

i want to write a little more about my life that i wasnt sharing. this post may get a little long and booring but im realy just writing it down for my own healing.

basicly since i got my cycle (age 12) i never took much notice of its length but ive always had occasional times where it only lasted 2 weeks. bennys often told me i should go to a doctor and i often thought i should but never got around to it.

after a few months of trying for a baby my cycle started lasting only 2 weeks each time. finally i went to a doctor (and had multiple blood tests ((only almost passed out from the firsty one lol:)), very proud of myself as ive had a fear of needles which im slowly getting over) and found out i had polycystic ovarian syndrome.

i was utterly numb. the numb feeling didnt realy go away, its just sort of lessened over the last couple of months since i found out. some how even though it was a shock (i presumed theyd just give me some fancy little tablet to fix my cycle and id be on my merry way, all fixed) it felt like something i already knew deep in my heart. when we decided to try for a baby i was so happy but in the back of my mind i felt like it was just too good to be true. i wanted it just too much

i believe that we all come to this earth with a life purpose and life is about learning, growing, becoming the person who can forfil this purpose. ive been passionate about little children for as long as i can remember. ive always known that my purpose had a lot to do with children. i feel like im here to teach as many kids as the universe sends my way how to be gentle, kind, passionate people who love and believe in themselves.

to be completely honest with the world and myself, the main reasons i started doing family day care was because its the closest thing possible to being a mum. its the only job i can imagine myself feeling passionate about. most days it doesnt feel like work, it just feels like im where i should be. i am so thankful for all the kids i am blessed with but i just want one more. the only one that will fit into the little gap in my heart that i feel i was born with. my own child(ok, a few would be nice, but one would be a great start)

this post has gotten away from me a bit, now that ive opened my little envelope of secrets, every secret thought, every bit of sadness ive felt just wants to be released. each word makes me feel a little more freed. i sat down with the intention of writing about the natural ways ive been trying to heal my body and instead ive released what will heal my mind.

three more positive things today

*yesterday i cried because i took a pregnancy test and it was negative. today i cried in relief because i dont feel so alone. i have always struggled letting others know how i feel. i dont know if i could have told anyone all that ive written down. i am thankful to be able to sit in a room by myself and figure out what i want to share, and then send it out to the world and know that the world hears me

* i am thankful for love and joy. two feeling that make life wonderful

* i am realy looking forward to going to mums for tea tonight, and going to annekes on the weekend. i feel excited like i havent felt for a while. i guess thats what a freed heart does to a person!

honest

i haven't been around here much for a while, i guess I've come here many times, started writing and then it felt fake so left it for another day.its felt fake because I've been avoiding the elephant in the room.

much of this year I've been focused on trying to get pregnant. i tried hard to relax, not think about it and just be happy when it happened but its been an on going struggle let go. its something i want so bad.

a few months ago i knew something wasn't right and went to the doctors hoping they would prove me wrong and that i was OK. a few tests later i found out i have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I'm 21 years old, all I've ever wanted to do with my life is be a stay at home mum. it still feels unreal that i have this syndrome that may make that dream impossible.

in general im ok but some days arent great. some days i feel alone even though ive got so many loved ones there to take care of me. i guess i dont realy want to be taken care of because that would mean admitting that there is something wrong, that im realy not ok.

i guess ive not shared this here before for much the same reason. ive said to myself that i dont want to be negative, to whinge, to have anyone feel sorry for me but realy i just think ive been scared. scared to put it out there and make it all the more real.

there is peace in sharing who i am. this blog is a record of my life. mostly i just want to share the good things because theyre what i want to look back and remember. i also want to share the not so pretty bits. i want to look back as i do from time to time and see the whole me, my heart and soul. how i felt even if i wasnt always happy


well there you go. now id better share just a few happy thoughts before i go
*my strawberry and borrage pot is looking most happy
*ive been getting heaps of work lately which is great

*my hen boots had 3 chicks

garden recycling

when i grow seeds i try to find ways to have a glass house effect so that they are warm and able sprout quickly, without using glad wrap. sometimes i put a big clear plastic tub over which works well. today i ran out of seedling trays so i put some eccinacea seeds in a yoghurt tub. then a rather obvious thought popped into my head, da duh, plastic lid equals the easiest mini glass house ever!!

i also have this old kids pool that got a hole in it. its now going to be a garden bed, im thinking maybe strawberries and borrage? or a herb patch? mm yum! it excites me not only that i can move it between sun and shade, but also its going to be so easy to move it when we move in the future

and just a few pictures of seedlings ive been growing, zucchini

corriander

basil (my favourite)

wild yeasted (sour dough) bread

well, here is the second loaf (because of course the first loaf dissapeared before i could take the photo because it was sooo good)

i can see i will definately be making lots of this. i recently read a whole book on bread making. while this sounds like a bit of overkill just to make a loaf of bread, i found it realy helpful. it had all the little bits and pieces that recipes just presume you already know (um no!)

dont you love 'just because' suprise presents! one week my wonderful benny went to adelaide with his parents to do our food shopping but i had to stay home to work. i absolutely love jamie oliver's jamie at home series on tv so benny brought me home the book. its fantastic, i love it!

he also got me this realy cool old style weighing scale so i no longer have to look through a million (minor exageration) recipes in search of recipes that only need cup mesurements. yay!!

ive been out in the garden adding more no-dig garden beds. the one in my tutorial is growing fantasticly

esme, one of the recent chickens i got turned out to be a rooster so we swapped him for this little girl, lucy

ive been making a sour dough bread starter (natural yeast made by fermenting flour and water) for the past week. this afternoon a made a dough and its on its first rise at the moment