and the good

After writing my last blog post on our IVF results I posted it and then read through and thought to myself 'oh and I forgot to write that I had a good birthday'

Although it was a big day getting the results we'd been working towards for a month I did still have a nice birthday. I was a bit too overwhelmed to appreciate it fully on the day but like always I loved being surrounded by love and family on my birthday and it's nice to be spoilt. In fact a week of being spoilt was pretty well timed indeed

My sister AJ got me a gift voucher for gym clothes which i was pretty excited about. I chose out this singlet and it makes me smile, it's just the perfect thing to wear when you need to remember how wonderful the world is

 I love this beautiful plant and tulip card from Oma, Opa and Helena and I got some money which I'm putting towards wool (i'm sure they never could have guessed that!) I ordered wool to finish my oatmeal pullover and also to make a white version of my grey cardi because It's my absolute favourite and I wear it so often that it's almost embarrassing:)

 Mum and I went to one of our local craft shops that had quilt fabrics half price and she got me fabrics for a new quilt for my birthday. We are both hand stitching intricate quilts, mine has been on the go for over a year so we decided to both get fabrics to make an 'instant gratification' quilt (ie. a machine sewn quilt that we would finish in a few days or so) The shop lady who was cutting our fabric was telling us about when she went on a holiday by the beach and her friend was always stitching hexagons and it sounded so lovely that Iv'e ended up hand stitching hexagons instead, oops! Not quite the quick project but it will be perfect for a craft retreat that mum and I are going to in August.
We are so excited about our craft retreat! It's in Port Hughs so I very well could indeed be sewing my hexagons by the ocean. Its 2 nights of crafting (in our pyjamas if we want according to the flyer) and good food. Umm, sold! I can't wait!

Heres my recent knitting, I finished the yoda hat and also made a ribbed baby hat. Does anyone watch 'The Leauge? Benny loves that show and therefore our future baby is nicknamed "Chulupa Batman". He bought this shirt which admittedly is kinda cute

not yet

Yesterday we got our results and they were a bit unexpected. We were expecting a yes or no but as it turns out it was more of a sort of. I actually did get pregnant but my hcg level was supposed to be at 150 and mine was 9 so it's an almost guaranteed  early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy). I've already had some bleeding so I've not got any hope that I would be in the 1% that ends in a continuing pregnancy. I've been told to  stop my progesterone and tablets and should get a heavy period and will have another blood test friday to see if my levels are down.
At first I felt glad that it meant I did get pregnant, figuring that It meant that at least I can, plus it was nice to her the words 'your pregnant' even though I had already been warned that it wasn't good news. (I've never been pregnant that I know of) but it also worried me that it could happen again, I know some people have repeated miscarriages. I also started to wonder if it's happened before as I've sometimes had periods that were different to usual that made me wonder. I guess I wont know, I just need to keep looking forward and hope for the best.
Anyhow, Benny and I enjoyed snuggling on the couch together watching funny movies. Although we're disappointed and both had a few sad moments yesterday were mostly just looking ahead to our frozen embryo transfer. Were hoping to have it July but it depends on getting money back from medicare from our IVF in time so it may be a bit later in the year. Either way it will be nice to have a bit of a break to focus on other things for a while as this whole thing has been pretty full on and all consuming.
It's a relief that for now its over.
Of course it would have been much better to get good news but i'm pretty glad just to be off the roller coaster for a short while yet knowing that when we get back on there's good things and hope somewhere ahead. For now just being -no needles, drugs, appointments, ultrasounds, wondering, going crazy counting down days- just being feels like a little holiday

1 more sleep (and a beautiful graph)

Tomorrow morning we travel to my clinic for my pregnancy blood test. 

The past few days have seemed to have quite a few extra hours. Or is that just me perhaps ? ;)

I've been yo-yoing between feeling at peace with not yet knowing, feeling hopeful and sure that it worked and feeling sad and sure that it will be negative. 

It's a hard wait and I'm sure the crazy hormone drugs that are still making their way out of my system aren't helping

I was sure that our chance per transfer was 30% (Benny's pretty sure that was the IUI % and I think he's right), and Benny thought our chance per try was 50%. Recently I discovered this wonderful graph on our clinics website and it's making me feel extra hopeful. I may have googled it more than a few (many) times.... but it's quite beautiful to me at this point. At 69.7% likely hood for this one month it feels like we could be among the lucky ones. I hope.
At the moment I have Benny home from work for 5 days, we have a birthday dinner with my best friend at my favorite restaurant overlooking the sea tonight and a trip to the city and seeing family to look forward to tomorrow.
I cant believe we will finally know our result in somewhere around 24 hours. It's been a long month, a crazy month, a sometimes stressful, painful and emotional month but for the glimmer of hope it has given I wouldn't trade it for anything and would definitely do it again