yarn along

 woo hoo, three posts in one day, that,s got to be a record for me right?!  Lately I haven't been getting on here much so when I finally do I have lots of photos to share. Things are busy at the moment. I went to a hens night on the weekend and have another this weekend and then two weddings, both of which I'm a brides maid in, within a month. A few weeks later were going on holiday to Queensland oh and in between all the excitement I'll go to the fertility specialist and naturopath. Its all going to be lots of fun and I have a feeling I'm going to blink and a whole crazy busy month or two will be gone. Which will make me a month or two closer to moving house:)

In the meantime, maybe ill get some knitting done. My work in progress is a flora hat. I started it a few weeks ago. Its one of my first tries at intarsia and I was almost finished when I tried it on. I'd pulled the stitches too tight and it sort of looked slightly bunched up. I thought it might be OK  but when I showed it to Benny he said "oh that looks cool, is it army print?" hmm, not quite the look I was going for. So now I kind of want to re do it but I'm worried it will look like army print again.
Maybe it can sit a little longer and I can knit this instead?

 A while back I knitted a few vanilla soakers for the one day baby.

 The white one is finished and the pink stripe one needs leg cuffs still.

Tonight I've been looking back on my blog. For quite a while now I've been unmotivated with it thinking that I'm just posting same old with not much new to share. As I looked back I enjoyed it so much and realized that my 'same old' really is nice to look back on. It might seem like same old when I've just done it but to look back on my favorite everyday moments really is a picture of my life. Even if I forget to take photos when out doing fun things like I usually do. I look back on my every day normal and I see the happiness I make for myself in simple ways. It inspires me to plant more seeds, knit more, sew more. I love my every day normal.
Its been so nice to look back on our holidays, anniversary's  fun day care moments, old houses. The every day things I have forgotten about.
I think my very favorite thing looking back on my blog is re reading my honest posts on the now 4 year journey of trying to get pregnant. It brings a calmness to my soul to re read them. Validating all the thoughts and feelings I've felt and written down, It some how heals the hurt a little more each time and makes me feel strength. It reminds me that were still trying, even though after all this time it sort of feels like I've moved on and just gotten used to pregnancy and parenthood being something that other people get to experience and I don't.
That sounds so miserable but honestly its not in a sad way, just in a protecting myself from hurt way. My naturopath speaks so positively about me getting pregnant and I try to still talk like I feel its possible but after all this time it sounds kind of silly to me to. I guess I think of myself as infertile until proven otherwise. It's not that I don't believe it can happen, it really is just wanting to be at peace with what is until it does.
I was re reading all the comments on those posts too. Each of you that wrote kind and reassuring comments, every time time I re look at those posts, I re read them and they feel like little angels of hope dancing into the sky. It really does make me feel so much better to have all those kind words wishing my baby would come

yay for second hand!

For a long time I've been wanting a wooden play kitchen for my Apple Blossom day care.
I contemplated making one but it was far (far far) beyond my woodworking capabilities.
After months of looking for something second hand that I could make into one I stumbled upon this gorgeous little kitchen dresser!
I still cant believe my luck, once I add a sink, stove burners and taps it will be exactly what I wanted but didn't think I was going to be able to in my wildest dreams find! Beautiful handmade play kitchens are few and far between in Australia but I've finally scored us one. I pick it up on Sunday and look forward to sharing photos of it done up and polished very soon

 Martha B Rabbit, the fairies cook has been my favorite nap time book lately and I love seeing parts of it acted out in the children's play, so sweet:) I cant wait to see the day care boys play cooking and preserving in the new (old:) little kitchen

I'm afraid my socks haven't come along as much as I would have liked. There is a down side to tooth pick thin knitting needles, and aside from how fiddly they are.
I took my knitting along to my friends beach shack on the weekend and one of the tiny needles got snapped. Not that it was so bad, I really didn't need my knitting to distract me from the beauty and wonderful friends I was surrounded by. We had such a fabulous time and once my needles are replaced the sock knitting will continue. On the Saturday night we made friends with a fox. Sarah's boyfriend tempted him to the back door with sausage and bread and he was quite friendly. Foxes are introduced pest here in australia but they are so beautiful, much like rabbits

While I wait for new needles I make some little projects

Recent knitting

 On Sunday I cast on for a little boy jumper for the one day baby pile. It looked a bit wide and short. The size was 0-3 months and here it is on little Mr. 8 month old! I'm hoping I have enough wool to lengthen it so that I can call it size "8 months" and call it a day

 Little Mr. said, why id love to tangle your yarn and suck on your knitting needles. Take all the time you need  distracted with that black box

Here is the happy little pile that slowly grows

 I also made a little yellow bonnet and a stripey sock. Yep, just the one sock. The sock is a match to the little jumper I'm making so I will either have enough wool to make the other sock or have to unravel this one to finish the jumper. Only time will tell, I have my fingers crossed the wool stretches further than I think it will

 Next weekend Benny and I are going camping at the river with our parents, sisters and their families as a little celebration of our engagement (a little late as we were waiting for fire ban season to end) I'm making our niece and nephew hats that I've promised them. Terleahs pink hat is done and I have my fingers crossed that it fits her. The yarn is an 8 ply that she chose in Broken Hill. Its so thin that it sort of seemed more like 4ply, I wish I would have doubled it but anyhow, ill see how it goes. Dylan's green hat was improvised based on a hurricane hat pattern I used a few years ago (made last weekend when I was at the hut and didn't have a pattern) Its looking good but... I might run out of yarn. Yes again!

And I almost forgot to add this picture of my gorgeous little godson in another of my recent knits.I made him a little cable hat to keep him warm. He looks a little un impressed but apparently he keeps it on which means he likes it:)

I got the most exiting package today! Almost 4 weeks before my birthday but Benny let me open it now anyway. He didn't even need bribery but if he did I'm pretty sure I would have stooped to that level:)
Anyhow... I'm off to do some spinning!

Another reason why my Benny is awesome

Yesterday I was in Adelaide with my sister Anna to help her choose a wedding dress. Which if you ask me is very near impossible because she looks gorgeous in every single one! (not that I'm biased or anything:) But anyway, we found lots of gorgeous possibilities and had a lot of fun oohhing and ahhing as we watched her transform into the most beautiful bride.

Benny went with his parents to our nephew Dylan's birthday. I got a text from him saying that he got something for me.

At his work canteen they get in weird and wonderful imported American chocolate bars (or for those of you in America, normal chocolate bars lol:) He occasionally sees one he thinks I  would like and brings it home for me as a surprise. Although he wasn't at work I expected something small like that.

When I walked in he showed me a handbag. The strap on mine is almost broken so I was thrilled! What a wonderful surprise! His mum and sister love opp shops and garage (yard) sales as much as me and I did remember them saying they wanted to check some out before Dylan's party.  It had a $4 price sticker which I presumed he'd left on it because he knows how much I love a good opp shop bargain.

He said," you weren't supposed to like it that much, you were supposed to say is that all?" so that I could take you to your real surprise. He lead me to the day care sleep room and opened the door

I almost cried, It was one of those gliding rockers that you get for babies nurseries to rock and soothe them to sleep. His sister was selling hers and both him and his mum thought of me:) I'm pretty sure id never told him that when I daydream about decorating a space for our one day baby there is always one of these chairs in my mind. Plus its awesome for now. He looked at it and could see me knitting in it in the meantime. Yep sounds good to me!!

A few days ago I finally booked in to see the fertility specialist so that I can get the key hole surgery. Although It will now take about 8 months for my turn to come up when I could have had it done already, I feel at peace with having waited until I felt ready. After having waited this long and having to wait who knows how long in the future for our baby I feel patient and content to take it slowly and trust it will happen when its supposed to. I used to have a favourite affirmation that calmed me when I was worried about various things in life

"every thing happens just as its supposed to, I trust and believe"

I didn't use it much for a while because I just couldn't really feel it in my heart. Because I felt like my baby was supposed to be here but it wasn't and I didn't know why. It still isn't and I still don't know why but I know that I have grown as a person in the last three years, Benny and I have grown together.

Three years ago I had just flown from the nest of my family home. I felt like I was pretending to be a grown up and it was hard. Although we loved each other a lot our relationship was hard too. I'm quite an emotional person but I find it hard to open up to people and Benny was one to bottle up feelings and try to forget about them and expect me to do the same. I would get upset and he would get frustrated that I wouldn't tell him what was wrong.
 I spent a lot of time in the early days of living together and trying for a baby stewing on things I was upset about because I lived somewhere unfamiliar, could hardly afford to visit 'home' (the place that still felt like my real home) I had no work, nothing to do with my time alone in this new town while Benny was at work.  These days he gets me and I get him. He notices when I'm upset, asks me whats wrong and I tell him because I know that he will help me feel better about whatever is bothering me.
The other day my friend Kylie and I were taking her baby Jayden (my godson!:) for a walk in the pram. We were remembering how uncomfortable it used to be when I first started doing daycare when we were 18 and we used to take the children for walks. We used to get rude looks from people who presumably thought we were teen mums with lots of children. Id forgotten about it but it was something that stayed with me for a good while and made me quite worried and self conscious that if I had a much wanted and planned baby when I was still 21 people might have similar reaction and presume the baby was unplanned and from a one night stand. It occurred to me that even though I'm now 23 I still like to make it very clear to every one that the daycare children aren't mine because of a subconscious fear of being judged. Now that Ive realised this worry, its certainly time to let go of it!

Life is so different now, although I still look forward to moving from here it is home. I have a garden and the veggie patch I used to dream of and I feel confident in my skin. Ive stopped trying to look like I know what im doing and im grown up. I live how I want to instead of how I think I should. I dont necissary do everything perfectly but I no longer expect that of myself.
Now we take Jayden places we don't try to make it clear that hes someone elses and were old enough to be good babysitters, Kylie's proud that he's hers and is totally confident to show him off and we just enjoy him as we would if no one else was around.

I suppose what I'm trying to say with all this rambling on is that although if had a 2 year old child like we would have by now if id gotten pregnant straight away, its not all bad. Our Baby always would have been loved but the more we grow and learn as people before it comes along, the more we have to share and give when this little one of ours decides to show up. I thought I was ready and had a lot to give back then but now I feel more ready and like I have a lot more  to give. As life goes on and I live and learn more, I'm become deeper more selfless which can only be a good thing. so...

Every thing happens just as its supposed to, I trust and believe that this baby will indeed show up at the exact best moment.

(and I think its fairly safe to say s/he will love this chair as much as I do!)

for the one day baby

The rainbow stripey blanket is almost finished but I decided to deviate to a different little project that ive been day dreaming about for a while. A tulip cardigan for my 'one day baby'. Who of course may or may not be a little girl:)

For a long time ive had many baby projects running through my head but I honestly haven't made a single thing to put away for my baby since the little quilt I made when we first decided to try for a baby 3 years ago. When I made that quilt I presumed that we would soon have a baby. It felt like I was making it for a someone. Ive since wanted to begin things but ive always lost motivation feeling silly to be making for a baby that doesn't exist. I guess ive wondered if it was a bit wierd. Maybe it is.

Recently ive been inspired by another 'one day mother' on her own difficult fertility journey who has been knitting up some beautiful little clothes. I felt something in my heart when looking at those adorable clothes made with love by someone who is waiting just as I am and they gave me the courage and motivation to knit some too.

This is how the little tulip cardigan looked a few days ago but now all thats left to finish is the ribbing on one sleeve. It will then be ready to sit happily in my cupboard with the peter rabbit quilt for as long as it needs to wait.

This little cardigan doesn't have anyone to fill it just yet but one day it will. (weather it be my own little girl or somone elses if im blessed with all boys!)

Really when knitting it the main aim wasn't to keep a baby warm, although that will be a happy bonus one day. I knitted it for me. For my heart and soul. To keep the fire in my heart burning, to keep the hope alive.

Sometimes its easier to push down and ignore the feelings and confusion that come along with infertility. Sometimes I feel like I've given up. I know I haven't but its nice to see and touch in this fabric that im knitting, the hope and belief that my dream will one day come true .

Every stitch gives me a feeling that one day this baby that I dream of will be real. She will wear this or he will wear something else I make. Or a lot of somethings I make im sure its safe to say. I think there will be some more little projects in my future

ten little toes

 This week's been busy in the best possible way, we've welcomed an adorable 4 month old bub into day care. I was reluctant to add a baby to the mix, especially five days a week and beginning at 6:30 am (!) but his mama was pretty keen as she'd heard I'm pretty good with the young folk and what can I say? a little flattery can sway my mind far too easily:)

But seriously, how could I resist a little smile like that?
I'm thankful to say hes a keen little sleeper in the early mornings and hes settled in unbelievably quickly. I'm relay glad I agreed to have him, hes the sweetest little guy.

I wasn't sure how I would feel looking after a little baby when Benny and i have been trying for our own little baby for three years now. Ive not looked after a baby since I started having Mitch at 6 months old and hes now 3 and a half.

I didn't know if i would find it hard but at the moment I really don't.

If anything, having him sort of makes me feel better about it all. Its easier to be patient waiting for our bubby when I get to cuddle another sweet little one while I wait.
One of my best friends has just had a baby too and I love that I get to see him regularly and be a part of his life as he grows up.
I still think about wanting a baby quite often but for perhaps a year or so I've been feeling quite at peace with how long its taking.

For a long time I was so impatient, wondering why it has to be us that have to wait so long. I spent time being frustrated, upset, scared that it would never happen. I'm now at peace.
I still feel destined to be a mother. Ive stopped worrying about never being a mother because I know that it will happen. It wont necessarily be easy, it might be difficult, painful and expensive (IVF or adoption) but it will happen and it will be worth it.

I some times feel a bit judgemental towards myself for not trying hard enough. Every step of the way Ive been taking slowly, at my own pace. I was referred to a fertility specialist after a year but I didn't go until 6 months later. He recommended a key hole surgery procedure but I didn't feel ready so i decided to put it off for a while and go to a naturopath for a while instead. After going to the naturopath for a while I couldn't see or feel any difference and I was quite miserable on the crazy strict diet and going to so many appointments so I stopped going there too.

Time has made me feel a lot less fear full about the surgery so that is my next step but I don't really feel motivated to organise it just yet.
I feel silly and like some would think I don't want a baby bad enough but I sort of feel I'm my heart that the time isn't right yet. I sort of wonder if my instincts are telling me that if I just relax my baby will come when its ready.

Anyhow, I didn't intend for this post to get quite so heavy but its always healing to put thoughts into words and really think about how I feel about them. I am thankful for small children and their magical ability to heal hearts without even knowing it.

21

I love this post from when i was 20 so this is my21 version.
Me, as i am today.
Who i am,
the person I've grown into in the past two years since 20.

This is me, forever the free spirit, forever the explorer, forever learning more about myself and feeling more comfortable in my skin as i grow into myself.
Because I've always felt like an old soul, and been told i was one. In fact mum tels me of people who made this very comment when i was just a baby.
The main defining parts of my life lately have been-

Truly living with Benny.
Not just moving into this cute little house of ours, but living each day together for the past 18 months. Its been fun, its been challenging, we've learnt our roles in this new phase of our relationship. People told me living together would be hard, which sometimes it has been. But no one ever told me how amazing it would be to wake up next to him every morning, and still feel the love i felt the first time i decided i loved him, only so much deeper in my soul. I guess no one could have known how happy we would be right now

Trying for a baby and the 'hiccups' along the way.
Its been over a year since we decided we were ready for our baby. Finding out i have pocs was definitely one of the toughest and most scary moments of my life. My heart wanted to break in two, but my soul wouldn't let it. Because my heart is too important to me, i need it to love, because without love i just wouldn't want to be. All these months later i feel OK about it all. Well as OK about it as a person could. We will see a fertility specialist in October, and my cycles have righted themselves (perhaps because I'm stressing less, as I'm just so used to the negative pregnancy tests)I know that we will have a baby eventually, now i feel calmly patient

I feel at home in this town of ours.
I love that the mail man knows me, the lady at our local shop chats to the kids i look after and asks how they are when i go in without them. Yesterday she crossed the road to tell me that my flier (advertising my day care) had blown down and shed been meaning to see me to see if i had a new one i wanted to put up. Everyone i meet seems to know who i am because they know Benny or his parents. Small towns are nice like that.

Its taken me a long time to come through a bit of a fog.

A fog that has been-settling into my new life.

Living somewhere that i wasn't quite used to
Most of all not being able to get pregnant straight away, when it felt like id already waited a lifetime looking for the right person for me, waiting until we were ready for this baby.

Slowly over time I've felt better and better and now most days are happy days for me filled with beauty and appreciation for all the wonderful things i have in life. Slowly I'm feeling inspired more often. Taking care of myself more gently. Turning off the lulling TV and going outside instead. Seeing beauty and truly being able to feel it in my soul. Feeling love and joy.

My 21st year wasn't as carefree as my 20th, i had some deep things that weighed me down in a constant niggling way. That being said, 21 was a great year for me in so many ways

freeing my mind

after writing yesterdays post i feel so much lighter and at peace with myself

thankyou very much for such lovely comments. its funny that i often hold things to myself for fear of being judged or wrong but generally im the one judging myself the most harshly. the rest of the world is much more kind and forgiving.

i want to write a little more about my life that i wasnt sharing. this post may get a little long and booring but im realy just writing it down for my own healing.

basicly since i got my cycle (age 12) i never took much notice of its length but ive always had occasional times where it only lasted 2 weeks. bennys often told me i should go to a doctor and i often thought i should but never got around to it.

after a few months of trying for a baby my cycle started lasting only 2 weeks each time. finally i went to a doctor (and had multiple blood tests ((only almost passed out from the firsty one lol:)), very proud of myself as ive had a fear of needles which im slowly getting over) and found out i had polycystic ovarian syndrome.

i was utterly numb. the numb feeling didnt realy go away, its just sort of lessened over the last couple of months since i found out. some how even though it was a shock (i presumed theyd just give me some fancy little tablet to fix my cycle and id be on my merry way, all fixed) it felt like something i already knew deep in my heart. when we decided to try for a baby i was so happy but in the back of my mind i felt like it was just too good to be true. i wanted it just too much

i believe that we all come to this earth with a life purpose and life is about learning, growing, becoming the person who can forfil this purpose. ive been passionate about little children for as long as i can remember. ive always known that my purpose had a lot to do with children. i feel like im here to teach as many kids as the universe sends my way how to be gentle, kind, passionate people who love and believe in themselves.

to be completely honest with the world and myself, the main reasons i started doing family day care was because its the closest thing possible to being a mum. its the only job i can imagine myself feeling passionate about. most days it doesnt feel like work, it just feels like im where i should be. i am so thankful for all the kids i am blessed with but i just want one more. the only one that will fit into the little gap in my heart that i feel i was born with. my own child(ok, a few would be nice, but one would be a great start)

this post has gotten away from me a bit, now that ive opened my little envelope of secrets, every secret thought, every bit of sadness ive felt just wants to be released. each word makes me feel a little more freed. i sat down with the intention of writing about the natural ways ive been trying to heal my body and instead ive released what will heal my mind.

three more positive things today

*yesterday i cried because i took a pregnancy test and it was negative. today i cried in relief because i dont feel so alone. i have always struggled letting others know how i feel. i dont know if i could have told anyone all that ive written down. i am thankful to be able to sit in a room by myself and figure out what i want to share, and then send it out to the world and know that the world hears me

* i am thankful for love and joy. two feeling that make life wonderful

* i am realy looking forward to going to mums for tea tonight, and going to annekes on the weekend. i feel excited like i havent felt for a while. i guess thats what a freed heart does to a person!

honest

i haven't been around here much for a while, i guess I've come here many times, started writing and then it felt fake so left it for another day.its felt fake because I've been avoiding the elephant in the room.

much of this year I've been focused on trying to get pregnant. i tried hard to relax, not think about it and just be happy when it happened but its been an on going struggle let go. its something i want so bad.

a few months ago i knew something wasn't right and went to the doctors hoping they would prove me wrong and that i was OK. a few tests later i found out i have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I'm 21 years old, all I've ever wanted to do with my life is be a stay at home mum. it still feels unreal that i have this syndrome that may make that dream impossible.

in general im ok but some days arent great. some days i feel alone even though ive got so many loved ones there to take care of me. i guess i dont realy want to be taken care of because that would mean admitting that there is something wrong, that im realy not ok.

i guess ive not shared this here before for much the same reason. ive said to myself that i dont want to be negative, to whinge, to have anyone feel sorry for me but realy i just think ive been scared. scared to put it out there and make it all the more real.

there is peace in sharing who i am. this blog is a record of my life. mostly i just want to share the good things because theyre what i want to look back and remember. i also want to share the not so pretty bits. i want to look back as i do from time to time and see the whole me, my heart and soul. how i felt even if i wasnt always happy


well there you go. now id better share just a few happy thoughts before i go
*my strawberry and borrage pot is looking most happy
*ive been getting heaps of work lately which is great

*my hen boots had 3 chicks

mothers day

well, for mothers day we took mum to a quilting display in moonta, photos of spectacular quilts to come in the near future (their on mums camera) and had a fantastic day!

the thing i thought about most on mothers day was how bad i want to be a mother. every time we went past mothers pushing little babies in prams i thought, could that be me next year? i so badly hope so.

at the moment its the time of the month where i find out if we have been successful, if i am pregnant. i can test now, but this month ive decided to wait a little longer. its nice sitting here and thinking, i could be pregnant right now. id love to do the test and find out i am, but in case im not i want to wait a little longer, feel hopeful a little longer.

i am scared, so incredibly scared, what if we are unlucky and arent able to get pregnant? i know its a long time before i should even think of this but what if? i have wanted kids longer than i can remember, i feel like its what i was born for.

in the past few months, this is what my mind has been on a lot. trying to let go, knowing it will happen when the time is right, trying my best to be patient. if anyone has been through the same thing, id love to here stories, how you felt along the way, how long you had to wait for your special babies. i feel like sharing might make our journey a little easier