7 weeks

Yesterday we had our first ultrasound and saw our tiny little baby with it's perfectly flickering heart. I was so nervous to go, I was so worried that we would get bad news, and so relieved that baby is doing good. The heart rate was 163 which is good. The measurements were a tiny bit small. I thought I was 7 weeks 3 days but baby measured 6 weeks 6 days. The ultrasound lady was really nice. She didn't sound worried at all, she said it's normal for them to be a few days either way also calculated that by our due date I was actually 7 weeks 1 day

5 weeks 5 days

I'm still waking up pleasantly suprised each morning when I remember that i'm pregnant. If all goes well I think i'll probably still be finding it a novelty and a surprise come August next year. My symptoms so far have been
-waking during the night (the first thing that made me wonder if it worked because the only other time I've woken during the night more than 1 night in a row was last cycle)
-cramps- every day during 2 week wait- to the point I felt sick and stayed in bed a day 8 days past transfer, I think that was implantation. Now about once or twice a day or so I have mild cramps for a minute or so
-stretching feelings and tiny shooting mild pains in different areas of my uterus
-sore boobs
-digestive issues. Prunes are my staple desert at the moment
-tiredness- after lunch the kids are getting used to the majority of my time being spent on the couch. Luckily they love being read to and will paint with block water colours for as many colouring pages as ill let them. I have a big thick Christmas colouring book which is getting quite the work out this year, i'm sure the parents are getting sick of receiving mass quantities of pictures each day!

I got my second hcg back and it was perfect. I went from 451 to 1202 in 54 hours so it more than doubled with plenty to spare :)
For a few days after getting the hcg tests I was feeling really reassured and positive that all was going well but it didn't take long before I started having doubts and worrying that we would get to the ultrasound and have no heartbeat or I would start bleeding and loose the baby. It's a scary time being so early because unfortunately having waited almost 6 years years for this pregnancy still doesn't take away the risk of miscarriage. For my age group statistics say 1 in 7 pregnancies are lost before seeing a heart beat, thankfully the likelihood drops heaps after that. 12 more days until our ultrasound. Thankfully the days are going quickly, but not quickly enough. I'm really worried but reminding myself that the odds are better than they ever have been before. 1 in 7 means that 6 babies survive. Fingers crossed we're one of the lucky ones this time. I started worrying that my pregnancy symptoms were going away. When I stopped and took notice it was all still there except for waking at night. I even stopped with the prunes for a few days, just to check. Um yes, definitely still necessary. I was uncomfortable for a day because of it but it was worth it for the reassurance.

I've been keeping buisy with work, spending lots of time on an ivf forum that I joined at the start of the year and i've also been knitting a cozy little sleep sack. I've been adding to my 'one day baby' board on pinterest. Each time I get excited that i'll soon hopefully be changing that label to 'August baby'

I'm also looking forward to Christmas. Last night I went to mum and dads and made my usual rosemary wreath for the front door. Mum gave me all sorts of cute things to put on it when usually it's quite plain, I have to say it's my favourite! I'm so glad we have our ultrasound soon (on the 22nd dec), if we get a little heart beat it will be the only Christmas present we need. Its exciting thinking about Christmas with our very own little baby next year

4 weeks 5 days pregnant

We got great blood test results yesterday, hcg 451, progesterone 180. (last 2 cycles my hcg was 9 and 20) I'm still in complete shock that i'm actually pregnant!
When my doctor went on to start discussing growth ultrasounds and booking to start seeing an obstetrician it was the wierdest feeling in the world. Although I knew that came next it was just so wierd, the thought of me- the one always wishing to be pregnant but never actually getting pregnant- going to a pregnancy doctor, I felt like it was in a dream and to be quite honest I feel quite unprepared. I got off the phone and thought, do I see a gp first? or is that just if you need to confirm pregnancy before seeing one? do I see a midwife instead? I feel kind of silly to after all this time of research and googling about baby related things to feel rather clueless as to what I do now that i'm actually pregnant ha but It will be fine i'll make some phone calls and figure it out. I actually recently started looking after the baby of a local midwife. She's really nice and i'd love to have her but I think i'd rather go to someone I don't know for a little bit in the beginning at least until we have a first scan and make sure baby is ok. And her baby's only been in day care 2 weeks so it would probably be nice if I don't have to spring on her that i'm pregnant just yet!

I can hardly believe this is actually happening, that I have a tiny poppy seed sized baby inside me. I'm of course scared that it's so early and a lot of babies don't make it but even if the worst were to happen this would still feel like a huge monumental step in the right direction. I feel like it would be quite likely that we would get pregnant easily now that we have discovered that the steroid prednisilone works for me. Either that or I just got lucky with the right embryo this time but either way, this is farther than I've ever come before and no matter the outcome it will still feel like a huge leap towards our goal, even if we had to start trying again we would be trying with the knowledge that I can get pregnant with a very promising hcg that indicates a lasting pregnancy which is so much better that trying but not knowing if I ever could. This is massive. I cant believe that I will never again have to wonder if my body is capable of getting propperly pregnant. I can't believe that we are so close to our dream, that it's growing in my belly right now. This dream that I dreamt for so long is right here with me after all these years. I had accepted that I quite possibly wouldn't be pregnant in 2014 like I had hoped, I was planning for another year of ivf, the new tests that we would be doing if this cycle didn't work but instead I get to plan for a baby. Our baby. Instead I get to go into target and choose out tiny clothes for a baby that finally exists. Long sleeves for 0-3 month size, short sleeves for 3-6 months, a few 0000 size because Benny is sure that we will have a prem baby (ivf babies are more likely to be prem plus he, his sister, niece and nephew all came early so he's quite possibly right) This is crazy, a dream, something that has felt out of reach for so long, yet here it is. I get to soak it in and start new dreams knowing that a little baby will most likely be part of them come the 9th of august next year

so far so good for celli the 3rd

(10 days past 5 day transfer)

Tomorrow is my pregnancy blood test. As of now i'm pregnant but after having 2 early miscarriages i'm trying not to get my hopes up in case it doesn't last

(bottom test is 12 days past 5 day transfer)

At the same I haven't had a test as dark as this morning on the other cycles so its looking good, hopefully the new steroid they put me on to deal with my high antinuclear antibodies will make all the difference and this precious little one will be able to stay

 this little one looks like a strong one right? Please stay with us little celli

round 3

Sunday 2nd of Nov  I started puregon injections for our second frozen embryo IVF round. On the 4th I started taking my prednisolone, my new (to me this cycle) steroid table that will hopefully help our little embro survive.
Now that we've done this all twice before it's nice that it feels like no big deal, all the fears and unknowns that stressed me the first and somewhat second cycle are pretty much gone, i'm just living normal life and injections and blood tests just feel like a normal part of life, nothing to think too much about, just do them and continue on with my day. It doesn't really feel like i'm doing ivf again. So much so that I was a few days into it before I thought to myself, 'oops, i'm doing IVF, i'm supposed to be drinking loads of water, and possibly coconut water, gatorade etc.
For the first two cycles (IVF and 1st FET) I did pretty much all of my injections , at times it would take me quite a while to work myself up to them and I would get quite nervous and stressed but I liked to be in control of it, it made me feel less scared. This time I assumed i'd do them myself again but i've ended up getting Benny to do them all for me. It's working better, he just does them right away and its over with. It's also nice to have him more involved, it feels more like were doing it together.
This time I had 11 days of puregon, 3 blood tests and 1 ultrasound. This was quite a lot less then last round as they now knew what puregon dosage I needed which was great.

All in all i've been really enjoying my fet cycle, I've been feeling so positive knowing that our dream could be so close. It's been really warm so i've been going for lots of walks on the beach. Now that I have a beach only a few minutes drive away it's so nice that when i'm sitting around feeling hot in the evening (that's when our house seems to heat up the most and I don't usually use the air conditioner when it's just me home) I can just hop it the car and go to the beach and go for a long walk in the cool water. I've been going most days and I love how the water and salt air cleanses my soul.
I'm also feeling the end of year anticipation as we get closer to Summer Solstice and Christmas. The jacaranda trees are flowering, as are the abandoned block full of sunflowers. I'm starting to think about decorations, yummy foods to make and it fills me with warmth and excitement.

Our embryo transfer is on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it. As much as it's hard waiting the 2ish weeks to find out if your pregnant, I really love the feeling of having a little embryo with me, hoping that it's going to be the one to stay and dreaming of all the times we could have ahead. Fingers crossed this time we get the one that will be sticking around and turning into our baby

One of my favourite things since moving has been having my best friend Sarah closer. We often get together on Saturday mornings and have a nice girly catch up, have a look at a few shops, get some breakfast or lunch together and hang out. Yesterday we had breakfast on the beach and went for a wander. I always feel like there's something special and luxurious about having breakfast out. That probably sounds a bit silly but It's just something I don't do often and I usually have pretty boring breakfasts at home too so I guess that also adds to the appeal :)

 It was so nice sitting at the beach, it felt like the most perfect morning.

 Next time were going to "Henry on George", which is mine and mums favourite cafe, the one we visit every time we have family visiting (i'm sure it's been mentioned a fair few times on this blog :). Sarah loves it too but we've never been there together so it will be fun to get german apple cheese cakes together. She also hasn't been to the beach in Moonta and it's a gorgeous beach so i'm glad to show her.

spring is in the air

I always feel so excited as spring is coming closer with the promise of bare feet, sundresses and barbeques on warm evenings. 

As soon as the weather warms up even the tiniest bit it becomes my week day ritual to put the little ones to bed and then instead of cozying up on the couch under bundles of woolly blankets to keep me warm (its the one time of the day that i'm fairly still so I tend to get very cold) I sit outdoors on the day bed , moving it to a position of just the right amount of sunshine to warm me.

Were actually getting past that, our days are mostly warm now but I just love those first few warm days of the season.

The spring cleaning and decorating bug has hit me over the past few days! I love when it does, it's so nice to see my home not just cleaned to its usual tidy enough state but being re-arranged, de cluttered and sorted. The opp shop destined bags are collecting by my front door and I feel like I can breath even deeper within this fresh new loveliness

We've started growing some wheat grass as a seasonal display and a living play scene for the older Apple Blossom children. I'm always wary of choking hazards but I also don't like the older ones to miss out on fun small things like crystels and marbles so I want to start having things like this where they can only be played with at the kitchen bench or table and all the pieces must stay with the tray. I know they will have fun trimming the grass and tending to their own tiny garden and all it't little inhabitants. They are quite excited about the frog pond which we will add water to once the grass has begun to grow

The golden sun shines down on it

 and I found a perfect little verse

 I was so excited to find these beautiful pots while I was out getting a spray bottle to spray the wheat grass, I love them so

 The play room was in need of a SERIOUS spring de-clutter. It's amazing how many things can accumliate without me realy noticing! I wish I took a before and after picture. It wasn't until after the I de-cluttered that it occured to me how much the children's play had changed while all the toys were out at once. I miss seeing creative play like this - (swimming at the beach)

when there are too many structured toys out to choose from they don't use their imaginations so much

 I set up the play stands so that their is a tiny cubby in the corner behind the pink cloth

moving forward

My specialist was able to get me a rushed appointment with a rhumetologist and I went yesterday. 

I felt nervous for a few days leading up to it, hoping for the best but not knowing what news she would have for me and how long our frozen embryo transfer might have to be delayed but as it turned out all is good. 

She said she wasn't bothered by the number. If I had that number and symptoms to go with it we would need to do something about it but I don't have a single symptom (pains etc) from the list she read out so now I just need to speak to my fertility specialist again to see if I need an extra appointment with her or if I can start FET from my next period. 

I have a feeling ill be good to go. I have all the medication I need ready to start including the new steroid i'll be taking. I'm excited to be taking it, i'ts something new and it makes sense to me that it could work. Fingers crossed for little emby #3!

(my dish washing buddies :) )

I got the test results back and it turns out I have eleveted Antineclear Antibodies which is basicly something along the lines of my immune system attacking the wrong thing (ie in this case our embryos).

My first test result was 1/80 which was slightly elevated so she gave me a tablet steroid called prednisone to take during my cycles. She re tested me and they were at 1/640 and because its a lot higher so she said to hold off the frozen embryo cycle for now and go to a Rhumetoligist first as my mum has Rhumetoid arthritis which is apparently linked/ caused by high ANA or something of the sort so although I have no symptoms of it I need to be tested for other auto immune disease.

You can probably tell from the way that I write this that I really don't know much about it, I've been reading lots of information but feels a bit like information overload

So basicly it looks like i will be waiting until at least December to see the rhumetologist and then some time after that I will be doing my next frozen embryo transfer.

It sucks that we have to wait so long but at the same time it's worth it because this very well could be the reason for my two chemicals, the embryo started to implant but the antinuclear antibodies attacked them. It might not be the only thing preventing me from getting and staying pregnant but It's definitely a step in the right direction.
I feel a bit disappointed that I had such high hopes that this would be the year i'd get pregnant and now it's slipping away quickly and looking less likely but I know this baby of ours will be well worth the wait to wait I shall. I'll wait as long as I need to

wool and what next?

 happy wool that's waiting to be knit. The blue didn't have to wait long, it's now becoming a scarf. Or a cowl if I run out

 I knit a second version of my grey hoodie. I'm already planning another, blue and white stripe with no cables. I live in these two hoodies, now that I have two I hardly need to wear any other jumpers

I love my new white one just as much as my old grey one. I've not blocked it yet, one day ill get around to that

My IVF doctor called which was nice, I didn't expect I would talk to her until next appointment.
She said that most likely I was just unlucky to have had both embryos start to implant but then fail (it happens often as a certain % of all embryos have chromosonal problems that would cause disabilities etc so your body rejects them) but she offered to do some blood tests for some things that can cause that to happen more often, genetic problems etc. if we wanted to. I did, if something is wrong i'd rather know asap so that they can do all they can to fix it.
The test form had 20 different things to test for. I also did a glucose tollerance test. You know that your doing pretty well getting past your fear of needles when you're more bothered about having to wait at the doctors for 2 hours than have 2 blood tests. That was after my favourite blood test lady looked at my form and said 'gosh that's a harsh making you do all that at once, make sure you drink a lot of water!"
I fainted after 9 half vials (I've had that before when i've had to fast before them ) so she took the rest after 2hr glucose test and by then I was fine.
We go back for results and to discuss our next embryo transfer on the 4th of next month. I'm really looking forward to it. As injections scans and blood tests become my new 'normal' i'm feel more impatient and excited to get to my IVF cycles although it is nice having the months in between and also spaces out my needing to juggle work around it all and needing time off

An end to limbo

Unfortunately not good news for our frozen embryo transfer cycle. Today I got blood test results and like last time the egg started implanting but the levels and projesterone are too low so it will almost deffinately be another chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage) last time my level was 9, this time 22, It should be over a hundred at this point.

So on to the limbo we've been in the past week...

I've been on a medication that contains hsg (pregnancy hormone) and therefore if you test too soon after having it you get false positive pregnancy tests. A lot of people 'test it out of their system' by doing tests each day and seeing it fade to nothing, therefore if they test after that and get positives they are actually pregnant.

Most people find its out of their system after 3 or 4 days so 6 days after my last dose I decided to test and got a positive. 

I knew that it might still be the medication causing it so I started testing daily. If the line gets darker instead of lighter it means you are pregnant. Mine got darker for a few days and I got really excited of course but then yesterday and today it was getting lighter again so I was fairly sure it was a chemical pregnancy again. As sad as it was I'm still glad I tested for the glimmer of hope I got. I have never seen two lines on a pregnancy test. After dreaming of that moment for 5.5 years I finally did and even though it seems silly to be excited about it when i'm still not getting the far more important dream of staying pregnant and having our baby yet, it was still a little dream come true for me. Of course it's disappointing but we've still got 3 little embryos waiting for us, 3 glimmers of hope. I'm looking forward to my next appointment to ask if their are changes they can make seems the same thing happened both cycles for us. I'm looking forward to a month off and then getting started again. As much as I was scared of IVF to begin with it now feels comfortable and I so look forward to the chance that next time might be the time for us

On the walk back from my blood test the other day I went in the opp shop and found one of my all time favourite opp shop finds ever! I saw this little embroidered watering can and wheel burrow peeking out from under some other bits and pieces and had a feeling it was going to something pretty cute. Hmm, garden themed baby jeans? yep please!

I pulled them out and realized it was three of my all time favourite things put together- garden tools, peter rabbit and overalls- yay!

So now i'm really hoping this next FET cycle works because our baby NEEDS to be born at the right time of the year to wear these! (..oh and also because im' kinda impatient to finally meet him/her)

Celli the second

Today we had embryo transfer.
Before we left I asked Benny if he thought I should call the fertility clinic to make sure at least 1 of our four embryos had survived and he told me not to, it would be fine. Luckily he was right, the first embryo thawed perfectly with all its cells intact (sometimes some cells die and it's still usable but not as good quality) so they put in its cozy home and we cross our finger that it likes it so much and decides to stick around for 9 months

Trigger shot

 After 14 days of puregon injections, 5 blood test and 3 ultrasounds I was relieved to finally be given the thumbs up to do my trigger injection yesterday. I was very excited until she said I had to do it at 9pm. Benny finishes work at 11. hmm
Iv'e done all my puregon but i'd not done a proper syringe injection which looks scarier. I'd heard this one hurts a lot more and someone on an internet forum had said that with this needle ';makes it feel like your piercing through armadillo skin compared to puregon'. Yay, thats just the encouragement I needed!
So anyway, it may have taken me 45 mins to work myself up to it but i did it. The needle going in was fine, the liquid stung like buggery. And there was a lot of it
As a reward for my bravery they said I don't have to do any more needles this week. Because their kind like that :) (...and also because no needles are necessary at the moment. But mostly as a reward i'm sure)
On Monday I'm having embryo transfer. I'm excited!

These are completely unrelated photos of some 'cakes with icing' that a little day care girlie made today. Just because their cute and remind me of my childhood sand, water and flower concoctions that I used to have so much fun making

Since my last blog post I've-
*enjoyed a month off of IVF treatments
*knitted
*spent time with great people
*said sad goodbyes to my beautiful aunt who passed away unexpectedly
*thought of her often as i've gardened and drank tea (two of her favourite things :)
*welcomed new day care kids
*discovered an organic food home delivery that delivers to my area
*loads more things that i've now forgotten about seems I didn't think to blog them!

I've started my first IVF frozen embryo transfer (fet) cycle. Im on day 12 so far. Normally people don't need injections for fet cycles but because I don't know if I ovulate I have injections again.
I'm doing the same injections as my IVF but on a smaller dose (50u instead of 125u)
Tonight will be my 8th injection and i've also had 2 blood tests and a scan so far. The first one took me a little while, seems it had been over a month it took me a few mins to work myself up to it but all the others since have been fine. I can't believe how much easier it is second time round! I'm not thinking about it constantly and dreading egg collection (and wont be if there is a next time, it really wasn't that bad) I'm just living normal life and then doing a quick injection in the evening.

My day care is going great, i've started a few more kids for thurs and fridays which is great. Their mum told me about organic foods home deliveries that she gets which I was super excited about. Like ridiculously excited!
reasons why-
*organic food is really over priced at our supermarket and there isn't much variety
*i hate going food shopping
*i'm able to review my cart before paying so I don't end up with all sorts of random things that seemed like a good idea but I don't really need
*i hate going food shopping
*its supports a small family owned business and local farms
*i hate going food shopping
*i can take my laptop in the kitchen and check what we do and don't need when ordering rather than writing a shopping list and forgetting to take it (or my usual not even bothering to write a list and accidently buying things i don't need because it didn't look like there was much in the trolly...)
*i hate going food shopping

I'm ordering loads more fruit and veg then I used to buy and taking advantage of the 'juicing' carrots and apples. They apples have marks and some of the carrots are a bit wonky but their cheap, tasty and I love that their not getting wasted just because their not 'supermarket perfect'
I've gone on a bit of a health kick making lots of soup and veggie juices and i'm glad its coinciding with my fet cycle, hopefully it will help. I've also got to ring about accupuncture which is supposed to be great with IVF

 pumpkin- sweet potato soup

perfectly imperfect apples

 my new favourite juice- carrot, beet, apple

 Our new daycare sandpit