one day baby update

Recently we went back to the fertility specialist to see what the next step was for us.
Benny and I were both sure that he had said I would try another medication and then a few other things. Instead he has given us a referral to go to the city  for IVF.
Were not sure if he means for us to have IVF right away or just that he had done all he could so we need to go there and they will look into what to try next. I feel like we haven't really done all the usual steps that I've read on about online on forums etc. in fact after 5 years I actually still don't even know if I ovulate but we will go and find out.
You want to know the crazy thing? After years of dragging my feet and not feeling ready I finally feel like I am. Rather than feeling terrified like I did when I got told to have the laparoscopy (I then put it off for a year or so before having it) I'm completely excited and hoping it happens soon.
One day I was sitting thinking about it and thinking to myself that if I were to wake up the next day and start injections for IVF that it would be fine. Exciting even.
This is not to say that its going to be easy, I'm still scared of needles and procedures like pretty much everyone else but after a few years of blood tests, having the needle in my arm to knock me out for laparoscopy (mental blank on the name)  reading lots of info, forums of people going through it, watching you tube IVF diaries of people going through it and giving themselves injections i've desensitized myself to it a bit and find the thought much less scary. I think it also helps that after all this time I feel like my body has had plenty of time to cooperate and still hasn't so I feel quite sure that this is what we need. I started off by watching you tube videos of people giving themselves injections for IVF to see how big the needles were and how they did it but not actually being able to watch the actual injection and then after a while i made myself watch the whole thing. I concentrate on feeling relaxed while watching.
On the weekend Benny was given an injection at the doctors. In the past I probably would have left the room or at least looked away but because I knew that IVF is in our near future I watched and it was completely fine (I thought I might have gotten light headed like I have in the past seeing needles)
At the first appointment I have a blood test so I will be watching it unlike every other time I have blood tests and try to convince myself that i'm actually anywhere but there:)
So i'm getting over my fears of IVF, now I just need to worry about how i'm going to be feeling full of crazy hormones, and the rather large cost.
It's not ideal by any stretch but were going to do it and hopefully this is my year to get pregnant... (and then ill need more needles! but by then ill be so used to them ill tell the doc go for it. Maybe.)

Move, Nourish, Believe

I mentioned a while back that I joined the gym. 

When I joined I expected it to be a once a week visit with Benny's mum Sharon, just some thing to make me feel a bit more fit, nothing major.

What I didn't expect was to end up moving across the road from the gym, looking forward to all my favourite classes and getting there most days.

I'm not particularly surprised, I used to do taekwondo and absolutely loved it. It was a once a week class that motivated me to exercise daily, build up my strength and I remember feeling fantastic. 

I'm pleased to say that i'm already starting to feel great. I feel a happiness in my soul that I haven't felt in a long time. That's not to say I wasn't happy before, i'm pretty much always happy, but this is different. Its like a golden light of energy that radiates out and makes me feel so fulfilled. This is so good for me. Not just for my body but even more so for my mind. 

A lot of my motivation and inspiration lately has come from this site. I discovered Lorna Jane while looking for some new gym clothes (my one pair of comfy shorts just isn't going to cut it now that i'm going more often and gosh its been a long time since I needed a spots bra!) and found a lot more than just clothes. I've been inspired to change up my whole life style and ill be sharing some of the changes I've been making.

One thing i'm excited about is having a new goal. 

When I first read about setting goals I thought- erm.... to get fit? what more would I want? I don't really care to loose weight, I definitely didn't want big muscly arms and my body will presumably get a bit more toned anyway so that didn't seem like a necessary goal so I didn't think id bother having a goal.

As I've taken more classes I started to think a bit more on what I want to focus on. My favourite class is body balance (a mix of yoga, tai chi and pilates)

I've decided the things that i'm most interested in achieving are greater flexibility, balance and strength, (particularly in my weak little arms:)

My big goal is a goal I had a long time ago both when I did gymnastics years ago and also when I did taekwondo

I have always wanted to be able to hold a hand stand. I will working on mastering 8 yoga poses to help me get to my goal and sharing my progress as I go. (as a record of my progress- as of today I can do 1 push up (lol:) hold a hand stand against the wall 30 seconds or so, hold a headstand against wall and a back bend about the same)