yarn along

 woo hoo, three posts in one day, that,s got to be a record for me right?!  Lately I haven't been getting on here much so when I finally do I have lots of photos to share. Things are busy at the moment. I went to a hens night on the weekend and have another this weekend and then two weddings, both of which I'm a brides maid in, within a month. A few weeks later were going on holiday to Queensland oh and in between all the excitement I'll go to the fertility specialist and naturopath. Its all going to be lots of fun and I have a feeling I'm going to blink and a whole crazy busy month or two will be gone. Which will make me a month or two closer to moving house:)

In the meantime, maybe ill get some knitting done. My work in progress is a flora hat. I started it a few weeks ago. Its one of my first tries at intarsia and I was almost finished when I tried it on. I'd pulled the stitches too tight and it sort of looked slightly bunched up. I thought it might be OK  but when I showed it to Benny he said "oh that looks cool, is it army print?" hmm, not quite the look I was going for. So now I kind of want to re do it but I'm worried it will look like army print again.
Maybe it can sit a little longer and I can knit this instead?

 A while back I knitted a few vanilla soakers for the one day baby.

 The white one is finished and the pink stripe one needs leg cuffs still.

Tonight I've been looking back on my blog. For quite a while now I've been unmotivated with it thinking that I'm just posting same old with not much new to share. As I looked back I enjoyed it so much and realized that my 'same old' really is nice to look back on. It might seem like same old when I've just done it but to look back on my favorite everyday moments really is a picture of my life. Even if I forget to take photos when out doing fun things like I usually do. I look back on my every day normal and I see the happiness I make for myself in simple ways. It inspires me to plant more seeds, knit more, sew more. I love my every day normal.
Its been so nice to look back on our holidays, anniversary's  fun day care moments, old houses. The every day things I have forgotten about.
I think my very favorite thing looking back on my blog is re reading my honest posts on the now 4 year journey of trying to get pregnant. It brings a calmness to my soul to re read them. Validating all the thoughts and feelings I've felt and written down, It some how heals the hurt a little more each time and makes me feel strength. It reminds me that were still trying, even though after all this time it sort of feels like I've moved on and just gotten used to pregnancy and parenthood being something that other people get to experience and I don't.
That sounds so miserable but honestly its not in a sad way, just in a protecting myself from hurt way. My naturopath speaks so positively about me getting pregnant and I try to still talk like I feel its possible but after all this time it sounds kind of silly to me to. I guess I think of myself as infertile until proven otherwise. It's not that I don't believe it can happen, it really is just wanting to be at peace with what is until it does.
I was re reading all the comments on those posts too. Each of you that wrote kind and reassuring comments, every time time I re look at those posts, I re read them and they feel like little angels of hope dancing into the sky. It really does make me feel so much better to have all those kind words wishing my baby would come

ten little toes

 This week's been busy in the best possible way, we've welcomed an adorable 4 month old bub into day care. I was reluctant to add a baby to the mix, especially five days a week and beginning at 6:30 am (!) but his mama was pretty keen as she'd heard I'm pretty good with the young folk and what can I say? a little flattery can sway my mind far too easily:)

But seriously, how could I resist a little smile like that?
I'm thankful to say hes a keen little sleeper in the early mornings and hes settled in unbelievably quickly. I'm relay glad I agreed to have him, hes the sweetest little guy.

I wasn't sure how I would feel looking after a little baby when Benny and i have been trying for our own little baby for three years now. Ive not looked after a baby since I started having Mitch at 6 months old and hes now 3 and a half.

I didn't know if i would find it hard but at the moment I really don't.

If anything, having him sort of makes me feel better about it all. Its easier to be patient waiting for our bubby when I get to cuddle another sweet little one while I wait.
One of my best friends has just had a baby too and I love that I get to see him regularly and be a part of his life as he grows up.
I still think about wanting a baby quite often but for perhaps a year or so I've been feeling quite at peace with how long its taking.

For a long time I was so impatient, wondering why it has to be us that have to wait so long. I spent time being frustrated, upset, scared that it would never happen. I'm now at peace.
I still feel destined to be a mother. Ive stopped worrying about never being a mother because I know that it will happen. It wont necessarily be easy, it might be difficult, painful and expensive (IVF or adoption) but it will happen and it will be worth it.

I some times feel a bit judgemental towards myself for not trying hard enough. Every step of the way Ive been taking slowly, at my own pace. I was referred to a fertility specialist after a year but I didn't go until 6 months later. He recommended a key hole surgery procedure but I didn't feel ready so i decided to put it off for a while and go to a naturopath for a while instead. After going to the naturopath for a while I couldn't see or feel any difference and I was quite miserable on the crazy strict diet and going to so many appointments so I stopped going there too.

Time has made me feel a lot less fear full about the surgery so that is my next step but I don't really feel motivated to organise it just yet.
I feel silly and like some would think I don't want a baby bad enough but I sort of feel I'm my heart that the time isn't right yet. I sort of wonder if my instincts are telling me that if I just relax my baby will come when its ready.

Anyhow, I didn't intend for this post to get quite so heavy but its always healing to put thoughts into words and really think about how I feel about them. I am thankful for small children and their magical ability to heal hearts without even knowing it.

21

I love this post from when i was 20 so this is my21 version.
Me, as i am today.
Who i am,
the person I've grown into in the past two years since 20.

This is me, forever the free spirit, forever the explorer, forever learning more about myself and feeling more comfortable in my skin as i grow into myself.
Because I've always felt like an old soul, and been told i was one. In fact mum tels me of people who made this very comment when i was just a baby.
The main defining parts of my life lately have been-

Truly living with Benny.
Not just moving into this cute little house of ours, but living each day together for the past 18 months. Its been fun, its been challenging, we've learnt our roles in this new phase of our relationship. People told me living together would be hard, which sometimes it has been. But no one ever told me how amazing it would be to wake up next to him every morning, and still feel the love i felt the first time i decided i loved him, only so much deeper in my soul. I guess no one could have known how happy we would be right now

Trying for a baby and the 'hiccups' along the way.
Its been over a year since we decided we were ready for our baby. Finding out i have pocs was definitely one of the toughest and most scary moments of my life. My heart wanted to break in two, but my soul wouldn't let it. Because my heart is too important to me, i need it to love, because without love i just wouldn't want to be. All these months later i feel OK about it all. Well as OK about it as a person could. We will see a fertility specialist in October, and my cycles have righted themselves (perhaps because I'm stressing less, as I'm just so used to the negative pregnancy tests)I know that we will have a baby eventually, now i feel calmly patient

I feel at home in this town of ours.
I love that the mail man knows me, the lady at our local shop chats to the kids i look after and asks how they are when i go in without them. Yesterday she crossed the road to tell me that my flier (advertising my day care) had blown down and shed been meaning to see me to see if i had a new one i wanted to put up. Everyone i meet seems to know who i am because they know Benny or his parents. Small towns are nice like that.

Its taken me a long time to come through a bit of a fog.

A fog that has been-settling into my new life.

Living somewhere that i wasn't quite used to
Most of all not being able to get pregnant straight away, when it felt like id already waited a lifetime looking for the right person for me, waiting until we were ready for this baby.

Slowly over time I've felt better and better and now most days are happy days for me filled with beauty and appreciation for all the wonderful things i have in life. Slowly I'm feeling inspired more often. Taking care of myself more gently. Turning off the lulling TV and going outside instead. Seeing beauty and truly being able to feel it in my soul. Feeling love and joy.

My 21st year wasn't as carefree as my 20th, i had some deep things that weighed me down in a constant niggling way. That being said, 21 was a great year for me in so many ways

freeing my mind

after writing yesterdays post i feel so much lighter and at peace with myself

thankyou very much for such lovely comments. its funny that i often hold things to myself for fear of being judged or wrong but generally im the one judging myself the most harshly. the rest of the world is much more kind and forgiving.

i want to write a little more about my life that i wasnt sharing. this post may get a little long and booring but im realy just writing it down for my own healing.

basicly since i got my cycle (age 12) i never took much notice of its length but ive always had occasional times where it only lasted 2 weeks. bennys often told me i should go to a doctor and i often thought i should but never got around to it.

after a few months of trying for a baby my cycle started lasting only 2 weeks each time. finally i went to a doctor (and had multiple blood tests ((only almost passed out from the firsty one lol:)), very proud of myself as ive had a fear of needles which im slowly getting over) and found out i had polycystic ovarian syndrome.

i was utterly numb. the numb feeling didnt realy go away, its just sort of lessened over the last couple of months since i found out. some how even though it was a shock (i presumed theyd just give me some fancy little tablet to fix my cycle and id be on my merry way, all fixed) it felt like something i already knew deep in my heart. when we decided to try for a baby i was so happy but in the back of my mind i felt like it was just too good to be true. i wanted it just too much

i believe that we all come to this earth with a life purpose and life is about learning, growing, becoming the person who can forfil this purpose. ive been passionate about little children for as long as i can remember. ive always known that my purpose had a lot to do with children. i feel like im here to teach as many kids as the universe sends my way how to be gentle, kind, passionate people who love and believe in themselves.

to be completely honest with the world and myself, the main reasons i started doing family day care was because its the closest thing possible to being a mum. its the only job i can imagine myself feeling passionate about. most days it doesnt feel like work, it just feels like im where i should be. i am so thankful for all the kids i am blessed with but i just want one more. the only one that will fit into the little gap in my heart that i feel i was born with. my own child(ok, a few would be nice, but one would be a great start)

this post has gotten away from me a bit, now that ive opened my little envelope of secrets, every secret thought, every bit of sadness ive felt just wants to be released. each word makes me feel a little more freed. i sat down with the intention of writing about the natural ways ive been trying to heal my body and instead ive released what will heal my mind.

three more positive things today

*yesterday i cried because i took a pregnancy test and it was negative. today i cried in relief because i dont feel so alone. i have always struggled letting others know how i feel. i dont know if i could have told anyone all that ive written down. i am thankful to be able to sit in a room by myself and figure out what i want to share, and then send it out to the world and know that the world hears me

* i am thankful for love and joy. two feeling that make life wonderful

* i am realy looking forward to going to mums for tea tonight, and going to annekes on the weekend. i feel excited like i havent felt for a while. i guess thats what a freed heart does to a person!

honest

i haven't been around here much for a while, i guess I've come here many times, started writing and then it felt fake so left it for another day.its felt fake because I've been avoiding the elephant in the room.

much of this year I've been focused on trying to get pregnant. i tried hard to relax, not think about it and just be happy when it happened but its been an on going struggle let go. its something i want so bad.

a few months ago i knew something wasn't right and went to the doctors hoping they would prove me wrong and that i was OK. a few tests later i found out i have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I'm 21 years old, all I've ever wanted to do with my life is be a stay at home mum. it still feels unreal that i have this syndrome that may make that dream impossible.

in general im ok but some days arent great. some days i feel alone even though ive got so many loved ones there to take care of me. i guess i dont realy want to be taken care of because that would mean admitting that there is something wrong, that im realy not ok.

i guess ive not shared this here before for much the same reason. ive said to myself that i dont want to be negative, to whinge, to have anyone feel sorry for me but realy i just think ive been scared. scared to put it out there and make it all the more real.

there is peace in sharing who i am. this blog is a record of my life. mostly i just want to share the good things because theyre what i want to look back and remember. i also want to share the not so pretty bits. i want to look back as i do from time to time and see the whole me, my heart and soul. how i felt even if i wasnt always happy


well there you go. now id better share just a few happy thoughts before i go
*my strawberry and borrage pot is looking most happy
*ive been getting heaps of work lately which is great

*my hen boots had 3 chicks

mothers day

well, for mothers day we took mum to a quilting display in moonta, photos of spectacular quilts to come in the near future (their on mums camera) and had a fantastic day!

the thing i thought about most on mothers day was how bad i want to be a mother. every time we went past mothers pushing little babies in prams i thought, could that be me next year? i so badly hope so.

at the moment its the time of the month where i find out if we have been successful, if i am pregnant. i can test now, but this month ive decided to wait a little longer. its nice sitting here and thinking, i could be pregnant right now. id love to do the test and find out i am, but in case im not i want to wait a little longer, feel hopeful a little longer.

i am scared, so incredibly scared, what if we are unlucky and arent able to get pregnant? i know its a long time before i should even think of this but what if? i have wanted kids longer than i can remember, i feel like its what i was born for.

in the past few months, this is what my mind has been on a lot. trying to let go, knowing it will happen when the time is right, trying my best to be patient. if anyone has been through the same thing, id love to here stories, how you felt along the way, how long you had to wait for your special babies. i feel like sharing might make our journey a little easier