last year (seems like only yesterday ha ha:)

last year. last year...
last year was a big one for me filled with lots of things. finally starting work, struggling to get work, struggling to cope with the work i all of a sudden got! ive been scared, extatic, so proud of myself, self doubting, overwhelmed. I deffinately took on a lot more than i thought i was at the time. which is good because im so incredibly happy with where i am now and couldnt have learnt what i know now without all the hard times.

I have come so far, learnt sooo much, made plenty of mistakes, but stood up and delt with them in the best way i knew how. I have met lots of great people, the kids have touched my heart and taught me the most. i definately think this year they taught me way more than i could have possibly taught them.

I am proud of so many things i have done and learnt this year, im proud of going on when i thought i couldnt, dealing with screaming kids when all i wanted to do was give up and start screaming myself, but mostly i am proud of who i am at the end of it all. I am ME, but an older and wiser version of me who knows what to do and how to stay calm when all the every day things that happen with little kids HAPPEN.

im now a version of me that knows that its ok for kids to cry, to have to wait. its normal for them to chuck tantrums in public places because they dont get what they want. its ok for old ladies to give me dirty looks (and there probably judging me more on the fact that i appear to be a young mum with 20 kids to my name, rather than the kids/my behaviour) . its ok for them to get sent home dirty. their bum wont fall off if they have to wear someone elses nappy because i packed one less then they needed for what started as a quick trip to the shops. they actually enjoy running around at the park in their undies because i forgot spare pants and what a fun memory of childhood freedom for them to have! theyll forgive me for days im not much fun because im finding it all too much, they still love me and know that i love them. and most of all i have finally realised that its ok for me to be HUMAN! no one expects me to be perfect, thats been my own expectation because i was scared of all this new that was going on in my life.

its been an INCREDIBLE year, i have lived and loved so much, i have been lucky enough to get the big cuddles ive needed, every wednesday and friday from benny (the source of my sanity when "staying sane" was at the end of my to do list, after- work 48hour week, recooperate from working, sleep and do it all again)

ive enjoyed having money that ive earnt with my own hard work, especialy the independance it brings. more than i enjoyed buying and having things, the true satisfaction for me has been paying my own way, having my turn to shout meals and drinks, being able to pay mum rent, being able to give her money when shes short, rather than being helpless and wishing i could giver what i didnt have.

i am so happy with last year, i wouldnt change a thing if i could, and look forward to this year- a brand new blank canvas, ready for me to create. i look forward to working this year, with all the knowledge i gained last year. and i look forward to learning so much more!