ten little toes

 This week's been busy in the best possible way, we've welcomed an adorable 4 month old bub into day care. I was reluctant to add a baby to the mix, especially five days a week and beginning at 6:30 am (!) but his mama was pretty keen as she'd heard I'm pretty good with the young folk and what can I say? a little flattery can sway my mind far too easily:)

But seriously, how could I resist a little smile like that?
I'm thankful to say hes a keen little sleeper in the early mornings and hes settled in unbelievably quickly. I'm relay glad I agreed to have him, hes the sweetest little guy.

I wasn't sure how I would feel looking after a little baby when Benny and i have been trying for our own little baby for three years now. Ive not looked after a baby since I started having Mitch at 6 months old and hes now 3 and a half.

I didn't know if i would find it hard but at the moment I really don't.

If anything, having him sort of makes me feel better about it all. Its easier to be patient waiting for our bubby when I get to cuddle another sweet little one while I wait.
One of my best friends has just had a baby too and I love that I get to see him regularly and be a part of his life as he grows up.
I still think about wanting a baby quite often but for perhaps a year or so I've been feeling quite at peace with how long its taking.

For a long time I was so impatient, wondering why it has to be us that have to wait so long. I spent time being frustrated, upset, scared that it would never happen. I'm now at peace.
I still feel destined to be a mother. Ive stopped worrying about never being a mother because I know that it will happen. It wont necessarily be easy, it might be difficult, painful and expensive (IVF or adoption) but it will happen and it will be worth it.

I some times feel a bit judgemental towards myself for not trying hard enough. Every step of the way Ive been taking slowly, at my own pace. I was referred to a fertility specialist after a year but I didn't go until 6 months later. He recommended a key hole surgery procedure but I didn't feel ready so i decided to put it off for a while and go to a naturopath for a while instead. After going to the naturopath for a while I couldn't see or feel any difference and I was quite miserable on the crazy strict diet and going to so many appointments so I stopped going there too.

Time has made me feel a lot less fear full about the surgery so that is my next step but I don't really feel motivated to organise it just yet.
I feel silly and like some would think I don't want a baby bad enough but I sort of feel I'm my heart that the time isn't right yet. I sort of wonder if my instincts are telling me that if I just relax my baby will come when its ready.

Anyhow, I didn't intend for this post to get quite so heavy but its always healing to put thoughts into words and really think about how I feel about them. I am thankful for small children and their magical ability to heal hearts without even knowing it.