happiness on paper

I AM HAPPY NOW!

HAPPINESS IS IN BEING- NOT HAVING

This is part of a page of dreams that i started early 2005 and add to when i feel inspiration

the fabric tied to the edges is little strips of my old favourite pyjamas which lil gave to me because they spent most of their life being borrowed by me anyway (that i litteraly wore to death!) they made me so happy because every time i wore them i thought of summers at the beach with lil and madi over the years, and the time i dived into cool blue water at the wallaroo beach, opened my eyes under water and felt so happy i never wanted to run out of air and have to surface. thats what salty water does to me! mum sais im a mermaid

my journal writing began when i was about 12. i dont write necissarily regularly, just when i need to and want to. they have been so necisary for me, so good for me because i am a quiet person. i keep a lot in my mind and find it hard to talk about things that matter to me sometimes. over time they have evolved. the first ones started as blue pen on lined paper, now my favourite is blank pages filled with paint and fabric and stamped and stapled.

here are my two current journals, i have all my others also. every time i read through a journal i feel like i get to know myself a little better. when i pic up a journal i think of all the great times inclosed in it. i think of a cool breeze blowing through opp shoped sheet curtains, my old rooms walls (two different rooms i had, got painted with murals of trees, swirls and song lyrics. im lucky to have parents that are laid back and were happy to let me be creative in whatever crazy way i thought up)

my heart feels huge and wide as though it fills a room and can hug the whole world when my thoughts leave my mind. heaviness is lifted from my shoulders. it is the same when i tell someone whats on my mind, have a heart to heart, but this is a way that works for me most. its taught me that people dont always need your 2cents worth as much as they need you to just listen.

its nice when i feel like my world is full of beauty and colours to run and dance through, and even nicer to have it drawn on paper so i can look at it and feel the feeling always

one of the things that i find hard to talk about is wanting to have a baby. possibly because ive been longing to have a baby since i can remember. i dont know why ive always felt wierd admitting this to people, perhaps because ive felt that i might be judged. perhaps its sensitive to me because i dont want to hear people say 'babies are a lot of responsibility', your too younge, etc, etc (you know, those obvious facts that any person would know yet people feel the need to say)

anyway the other day i was asked who i thought would have kids first out of me and my sister and i said vaguely 'oh i dont know, probably me i suppose'.

well actualy were planning to live together for 6 months and then start trying for a baby and weve already been here a month. im very excited.

one day i found a little kombi t-shirt with 'little dude' on it (what my dad has always called me) i took it home and showed it to benny. i left the room and then came back to see it hanging on on the lounge room wall. every day i smile at it, dreaming of days to come and the little family we will one day be